Learning Secure Attachment with Yourself: Riding the Waves of Hard Feelings
How do you know when your inner work is actually working?
It’s not about never feeling pain again. It’s about realizing you can stay with what hurts without running away. In this post, we explore what secure attachment with yourself looks like in real life, and how to notice the quiet proof of growth.
Riding the waves
Learning to ride the waves doesn’t mean stopping them. It means finding steadiness within the flow.
Learning Secure Attachment with Yourself: Riding the Waves of Hard Feelings
Some days all the inner work is, well, working.
You notice it in subtle ways:
The quiet pause before reacting
The ability to name a feeling instead of being swept away by it
Being able to identify a pattern in yourself or someone else and discerning what’s yours and what’s theirs
Or, the softening that comes when you give yourself permission to rest
These are the small, steady proofs that something inside you is shifting. Signs of growing emotional regulation and secure attachment with yourself.
Still, growth rarely feels like a straight line. Sometimes it feels like two steps forward, one step back. Or realizing you can feel steady and lost in the same week.
And then something happens. Someone you care about passes away. A relationship ends. The season turns and the air feels heavy in a way you can’t quite explain.
Without warning, a familiar wave rises up again: loneliness, despair, or the sense that nothing will ever soothe you. It’s not new. In fact, it feels uncomfortably old and familiar.
But here’s what’s different now: you can name it.
That act alone — saying “this is loneliness,” “this is grief,” or “this is uncertainty” — is part of the change. Even when the feeling insists that nothing will help, your ability to be with it is the proof that the inner work is working.
What Attachment Theory Teaches Us About Staying
In attachment language, this is what secure attachment looks like: not the absence of hard feelings, but the presence of trust — trust that the feelings will move, that you don’t have to abandon yourself, and that comfort is possible even in the storm.
Secure attachment with yourself doesn’t mean you never wobble. It means you can offer yourself the steady presence you once longed for from others. You can stay when things get rough instead of fleeing, numbing, or pushing yourself past your limits.
The Window of Tolerance: Proof in the Staying
Therapists sometimes talk about the window of tolerance: the range of emotions we can hold without shutting down or spiraling. Over time, inner work widens this window.
Each time we stay present with what’s hard, we teach our nervous system that it’s safe to feel. Over time, that’s what builds inner self-trust — not the absence of pain, but the knowing we can return to calm again.
The proof of change isn’t that you never fall outside of your window of tolerance — it’s that you notice sooner, you come back faster, and sometimes you can stay in the discomfort without scrambling to escape. That capacity to ride the waves is evidence of growth.
Everyday Signs the Inner Work Is Working
Sometimes the most ordinary choices are the clearest evidence:
Saying honestly, “I’m riding the waves,” when someone asks how you are.
Letting yourself rest on a hard day instead of powering through.
Naming what hurts or is uncomfortable instead of pretending it’s fine.
Offering yourself small comforts — a walk, a warm drink, a kind word — and letting that be enough.
For many of us who’ve learned to cope by staying busy or being strong for others, these small acts of gentleness can feel unfamiliar, even uncomfortable. But they’re the quiet rebellion of growth.
These are not signs of weakness. They’re signs of secure attachment to yourself, of being able to stay connected instead of abandoning your own experience.
Riding the Waves Together
Inner work can feel slow, even invisible, until moments like these arrive. Then you see it clearly: you can tolerate what once felt unbearable.
Take a moment to notice how you ride your own waves. What do you do now that might have felt impossible years ago?
The waves don’t disappear, but our capacity to ride them grows. That capacity — gentle, steady, imperfect — is the quiet evidence of growth.
Learning to stay with yourself is slow, sacred work. It’s not about fixing what’s broken. It’s about remembering that you were never broken to begin with. And every moment you choose presence over perfection, you strengthen your capacity for self-trust and reconnection.
More About Secure Attachment and Inner Work
Q: What does secure attachment with yourself actually mean?
A: Secure attachment with yourself means being able to stay present with your emotions — even the hard ones — without abandoning or judging yourself. It’s the ability to trust that feelings will move and that you can return to calm again. This self-trust builds over time through mindful awareness and compassion.
Q: How can therapy help build secure attachment?
A: Therapy offers a safe, consistent relationship where you can practice being seen and accepted without having to perform or please. Over time, this experience helps your nervous system learn that connection can feel safe and steady — the foundation of secure attachment.
Q: What is the “window of tolerance,” and why does it matter?
A: The window of tolerance is the range of emotions you can experience without shutting down or becoming overwhelmed. Inner work and trauma-informed therapy help widen this window, making it easier to stay grounded through emotional ups and downs.
Q: How do I know if my inner work is actually working?
A: Signs of growth are often subtle: noticing emotions sooner, softening toward yourself, resting when you’re tired, or being able to stay with discomfort without running from it. These moments show your nervous system is learning safety, not perfection.
Written by Sara Gourley, LPC
Sara Gourley, LPC, is a licensed professional counselor in Boise, Idaho, supporting highly sensitive and high-achieving adults across Idaho through online therapy. She helps clients develop secure attachment with themselves, strengthen emotional regulation, and build trust in their own inner steadiness.