The Quiet Grief of Mother’s Day
Mother’s Day can stir up a mix of emotions - grief, longing, anger, numbness, even guilt - especially for those whose relationship with their mom wasn’t (or isn’t) simple or safe.
Tenderness has its own kind of strength.
In my work and quiet moments of reflection, I’ve noticed that Mother’s Day can bring out the parts of us that still long for what we needed and didn’t receive, or mourn what was lost.
Every spring, as ads and emails flood in, I notice a quiet instinct rise, a protector within that wants to whisper (or sometimes scream), “Go gently here. Not everyone feels like celebrating.”
For those navigating a complex relationship with their mom or motherhood, whether through loss, distance, or painful dynamics, it can feel like the world expects celebration when your heart might feel something much more tender or complicated.
Attachment theory reminds us that our earliest caregivers, especially during the first five years of life, help shape our blueprint for connection and belonging.
In many families, that blueprint is deeply tied to the role of the mother. And yet, life is rarely as simple as the stories culture likes to tell. Many people carry a private grief: a mother who was present but critical, loving but unable to protect, there physically but not fully present in their heart.
If Mother’s Day feels heavy for you, you’re not alone. Here are a few gentle ways to care for yourself and others during this time.
Gentle Ways to Navigate Mother’s Day
1. Be kind and gentle with yourself.
It’s okay not to have a positive association with your mom, motherhood, or Mother’s Day.
Notice how your body responds to reminders: email ads, social media posts, store displays, comments from others. Give yourself full permission to step away from what doesn’t feel supportive.
Delete marketing emails without opening them. Take a break from social media. Appreciate the brands that allow you to opt out of Mother’s Day messages; that’s one small act of honoring your experience.
Consider creating a small ritual that feels nourishing during this season.
Maybe it’s lighting a candle every evening with an intention to feel all emotions, memories, and body sensations that arise within you for the next 5 to 20 minutes. Maybe it’s cuddling with your pet or watching the birds outside your window. Maybe it’s tuning into your breath as you inhale and exhale.
2. Be kind and gentle with others.
We never know what someone’s relationship with Mother’s Day, motherhood, or their mom holds.
Instead of asking, “What are you doing to celebrate Mother’s Day?” try a softer or more open approach:
“What are you up to this weekend?” or “What are you looking forward to this spring?”
If you’re closer to someone and unsure of their comfort, you might gently ask: “How are you feeling about Mother’s Day this year?” or “What’s your comfort level with talking about Mother’s Day?” Respect the response you get and thank them for sharing.
3. Look to nature.
Nature doesn’t force anything; it follows the wisdom of timing, cycles, and rest.
If the season of Mother’s Day feels tender, step outside. Feel your feet on the ground.
Let the steadiness of the earth remind you: You’re not alone. You’re allowed to move at your own pace. You’re held.
“All that you are seeking is also seeking you.
If you lie still, sit still, it will find you.
It has been waiting for you a long time.”
Clarissa Pinkola Estés
4. Validate your experience.
Others may speak about their mom with joy or love. It’s okay if that’s not how you feel.
You don’t have to perform gratitude or pretend everything is fine. Your truth, even if it’s complex or painful, is valid.
You get to choose who you share your experiences with. Not everyone is part of your inner circle, and that’s okay. Be prepared to change the subject or communicate a boundary if others press you for info about Mother’s Day, motherhood, or your relationship with your mom. All while validating yourself and your experience, even if your experience is different from a sibling’s. Your perspective matters. Your story deserves to be witnessed by someone you trust.
5. Boundaries are an act of care.
Maybe you have brunch planned and anticipate a critical comment or uncomfortable moment.
A few ways to honor your boundaries:
Plan ahead. Expect a negative comment to happen, so it doesn’t catch you off guard. You might think to yourself, “Ah, there it is, that was on my bingo card!” A touch of humor can soften the edge.
Prepare neutral topics. Know what you’re okay talking about and what’s off limits. You can even ask AI for ideas: “Hi ChatGPT, I’m prepping for brunch with my mom, will you help me brainstorm light, uplifting conversation topics?”
Pause when needed. If a moment lands hard, excuse yourself to the bathroom. Breathe. Check in with your body. You might say to yourself:
o “I don’t have to respond right now. I get to choose.”
o Then return with intention, or redirect the conversation: “I’m not going there today, did you hear about... [neutral topic]?”
6. Care for yourself before, during, and after.
Building buffers is encouraged, especially if you’re highly sensitive or grieving.
Before: Give yourself quiet space to be without any agenda.
During: Hydrate (bathroom breaks are natural escapes), have a support person on standby via text, or take short walks as needed.
After: Leave the rest of your day open, if possible. Sit in nature. Watch or read something that brings laughter or softness. Invite your nervous system to relax.
If this holiday stirs something deep within, know you don’t have to walk it alone.
I offer counseling for highly sensitive souls and those tending to quiet or unspoken wounds.
If you feel drawn to explore this work together, I invite you to reach out or schedule a free consultation.